The Gentle Self
Now available in book form at
Many people who suffer from depression and anxiety are gentle and introspective. And while that is a genuinely good thing, they often have developed negative beliefs about themselves that dominate their experience of the world. These convictions are sometimes unconscious and come to light through the process of therapy, meditation or other forms of self exploration. These are some of the typical convictions the Gentle Self has about him/herself:
I Am Worthless: Paralysis and Self-Defeat
Feelings of worthlessness and self-effacing or downright self-destructive behavior are a common occurrence. Because they feel useless and not appreciated, gentle introverts often remain paralyzed in social situations, while desperately craving that someone pay attention to them. Although often interpreted as passive-aggressiveness, gentle and introverted narcissists have no other choice than to retreat from others in order to protect their vulnerable self from injury. By nurturing self-esteem in them, therapy helps them to become more proactive in their life.
I Must Please: Compliance and Loss
Because the environment they grew up in forces them to behave according to the expectations of their caretakers, gentle introverts develop what is called a “false self”: They comply with what they think is expected of them, often not knowing or denying their own needs until their relationships become so dissatisfying that they have to completely disengage.
I Am a Nuisance: The Basic Right to be Loved
Gentle introverts often believe that their presence is genuinely unwanted: that they waste other people´s time, that they aren´t likable, that they are boring or a burden or that something is wrong with them. By their withdrawn demeanor they push away people that care for them, which forces them further onto the path of self-isolation. With the help of a therapist they slowly learn that they have a basic right to be loved, and that their self-image of being a nuisance can be replaced by the conviction of being inherently lovable.
It's All too Much: The Inability to Make Decisions
I Want Too Much, I Have Nothing to Give: Empty Relationships and Difficulties in Committing
Many introverts were told or made to feel that they always want too much: Because the caretaker was unaware or did not know what a child needs, he or she eventually develops the conviction that his needs are overwhelming and hard to deal with. Because the child was never nurtured appropriately, s/he is unable to give to others what is needed to sustain a meaningful relationship.
